We all began to heal. We spent a summer enjoying our youth and remembering that life was precious. This was a fragile age for most of us. Some of us matured because of this moment in our lives, and sadly some of us picked paths that were less than optimal.
In the fall of 1995 I began to have what seemed like the same cold over and over. I would go to the doctor, they would give me a prescription and I would get better while on it. I was diagnosed with everything from strep throat to mononucleaosis, at one point my doctor at the time even asked my mother if I was a hypercondriac. Around Thanksgiving I began not eating, or barely eating. Around Christmas I began losing weight like you wouldn't believe (even then I was a bigger girl, so I was ok with it). This cycle of illness continued. I began falling asleep in class, and falling behind in school. My teachers believed that I had fallen into the same habits of my circle of friends and was on drugs.
On the March 7, 1996 I woke up with a very swollen face. My mom believed I had an infected tooth, in fact I had these weird green things coming out of my gum line. My mom couldn't get me into see the dentist or even my regular doctor so she got me in with a pediatrician (I had been seeing a family doctor because you know 15 year olds are way too cool for a pediatrician). My mom was unable to take the day off of work to take me to the appointment so my grandmother did. I was admitted to the hospital because of some 'inaccuracies' (hemoglobin was at 5, platelets were at 52,000 and my white count was at 156,000) in my blood work, I was told I had some type of infection.
When I was admitted to the hospital it was the normal ask you a bunch of questions, start an iv etc. But then it got scary... you see I overheard the nurse tell my mom that a certain doctor would be in to see us shortly. If I hadn't already been pale I would have lost even more color. My grandfather noticed the change in me and asked what was wrong... I smiled and said "nothing... I just want to go home so I can go on vacation with Jessie" ( I was supposed to go with my best friend at the time to go visit her dad over spring break)... but inside I knew what was coming. Dr. R came in and introduced himself to my family and when he took a look at me he said "Kristin... you shouldn't be here"... I again smiled and said "I know". We both knew what was coming... my family did not. We went through all the testing and I was sent down to x-ray. During my time in x-ray I gave myself a pep talk. I told myself that I was going to be fine and that I needed to be strong. I had to keep a positive attitude because I wasn't going to let cancer win. During my time in x-ray the doctor was breaking the news to my family, that I in fact had cancer, leukemia to be exact but they were unsure of what type. I was brought back upstairs once my family was able to compose themselves... but as I was wheeled into the room, all it took was looking at my grandfather with tears in his eyes and I knew the truth. I stood up from the wheelchair, walked to the bed and said " I need 5 minutes by myself. Everyone out"... no one listened... so again I said " I need everyone out NOW"... everyone left except my grandfather... I looked at him with the tears in his eyes and said "Please papa...I need to process by myself. I've got this.... no matter what you hear in here, please do not come in or let anyone in until I ask you to... please". My grandfather left the room and stood in the hallway with my mom and my grandmother. I then proceeded to throw the biggest temper tantrum EVER... I threw stuff, I cried, I screamed, I yelled, I begged, I pleaded, I screamed and cried some more and then I just stopped. I walked over to the sink in the room, got a wash cloth and washed my face and calmly opened the door to the room and told everyone they could come back in.
I told everyone that there was no more crying... if you wanted to cry you had to do it some place else because I didn't have time for it. I also told my mom that I would be the one to tell people. I wanted the words to come from me and not from others etc. When people came to visit I would calmly tell them what was going on, and then tell them if they needed to cry they needed to leave... I didn't have time to be sad. Everything happens for a reason even if we don't know it...
I quickly entered into my treatment phase. At one point a 3 yr old little girl was placed in the room next to me, she also had leukemia. We became fast friends... she would often come into my room on the rare times that her parents had to leave, and we were in fact amazingly close (we are still in contact but she is way to cool for some old lady now... she will graduate this year from high school and I can't wait to see it...). I met several people during my battle with cancer.
There was one specific person who really touched my life while I was sick. I still remember seeing this person brought up to the floor via wheelchair with the 'classic' bald head covered with a cap and I remember saying "who's that" since the person looked about my age. The nurses of course couldn't tell me, but I was a pro by this time.. I was going to figure out who this person was because damn it I was dying (not literally) for some friends. Don't get me wrong, my friends were there for me... but they weren't. One friend happened to get grounded right at the time of my diagnosis and her parents just would NOT GIVE IN... my mom actually drove to their house and alot of screaming insued but my friend was able to come visit me ( although I don't think our friendship ever recovered from my illness... just my feelings on the subject). But back to the kid in the wheel chair... I was very 'sneaky'-- well as sneaky as a kid with an IV pole with a blazing orange bag of "killer koolaid" hanging from it, I waited until the kid was 'admitted' and 'settled' and then I just kept walking around the 'loop'. The Cancer Kids were 'required' to make at least 2 laps each day around the nurses station so I pretended I was doing that... ha! Eventually the kid in the room saw me walk by with my 'amazing' chemo hair style (you know the one I'm talking about) but she was really shy and didn't say anything. So I gave up.. I was like 'seriously... I am not going to beg you to be my friend' and just stopped walking. Eventually my doctor came into to see me and I mentioned that I was interested in talking with the other cancer kid and he said he would see what he could do... :)
We ended up meeting that night over pepperoni pizza ...between the two of us we finished off a large... and then we both promptly threw up in our basins that went anywhere food would be consumed. We looked up at each other over our puke buckets and just started laughing... We became best friends from that moment on. It was awesome. We knew what the other was going through... we talked about boys and how could a boy want to date a girls with no hair who threw up at the drop of a hat, we talked about getting better... we even talked about not getting better. We talked about growing up, about not growing up. We talked about everything and I mean everything. We developed a friendship in a few short days of her stay -- her chemo was less intensive than mine at the time-- and it continued. We looked forward to seeing each other each time we would be in. This was before email, Facebook etc. we had to actually write letters... :) I have them all. When her mom would be able to stay she often brought her younger sister and we would all talk. We formed a bond that was amazing. Because she was from out of town and had 3 other siblings at home her parents weren't always able to stay for her entire treatment so we would take advantage of my mom during these times. We would request things like "Red Lobster"-- and totally get it, or one night all the cancer kids over took the family lounge and had our version of a party... the snacks included, meal replacement milk shakes, beef jerky, clam chowder, any candy under the son oh yea and of course don't forget the anti nausea meds and chemo that was on 'tap'.
In October 1996 I had my end of chemo party. It was during my end of chemo party that I learned that two of my friends would also be ending chemo... but for other reasons. Their cancers had spread to far and there was nothing left to do. I remember having a talk with my dear girl friend about this because I didn't understand... I just didn't because you see she looked fine, her hair was growing back, she had color, she was walking around like everything was fine... she looked so healthy. We promised we'd stay in touch... we promised to be there for each other through the end... and we wrote almost daily to one another until she couldn't any longer.
I still remember the day I learned of her passing...my mom told me to go straight home after school... which was weird because I was normally allowed to hang out with my friends after school. I came home and my mom told me that she was gone... I had never cried so hard in my life... never. I had never felt a pain that deep... we were supposed to get better together... we were going to go to college together, she was going to teach me how to play basketball, we were going to have babies together -- well not together but you know what I mean--... but we didn't. Her life ended on her terms with her in charge. And she was my person... you know how we all have that person... the one that comes into your life and makes everything clear... the person who helps you to understand things about yourself that you didn't know... I went on to get married like we talked about (her mom and sister came to my wedding), I went on to have the babies we talked about-- She has a name sake in one of the kidlets, but even though we are not technically doing these things together in the way that we had planned... I know that we are still doing them together.
I found the following 'essay' the other day when I was looking online and thinking about her and it fits totally. You can find the text of the article HERE, these are in no way shape or form my words... just words that could have very well been written for me from MY PERSON. So today... take a moment to remember someone who came into your life and think about their purpose...because we all have a purpose and we are all someone else's 'person'....
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbour, co-worker, longest friend, lover, or even a complete stranger) but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts,
and We are never, ever the same.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts,
and We are never, ever the same.
And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.
Make every day count!! Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself; it will be hard for others to believe in you.
