True Confessions Tuesday

Tomorrow starts the new CHALLENGE over at the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans, so I want to prep myself with a good old fashioned cleanse before it starts, but not the kind of cleanse that costs lots of money and makes me and my stomach miserable for days.... nope I am getting all the 'bad' out there and just letting it go from here, so here is my True Confessions Tuesdays.

1. I have been eating like crap lately. In all honesty though, I have been doing it on purpose. You see I knew that this day was coming and I wanted to get my REALLY bad stuff out of the way ( you know like the cheese buttons we had for dinner last night). 
2. Emotionally I have been stuck in my trunk.. (this is a reference to the conscious discipline parenting style, meaning that I am not thinking things through)... some of it is the fault of others, but in the end it still comes back to how I let other people affect me and my emotions. Just because someone is a jerk to me doesn't mean that I have to be a jerk to other people.
3. I am completely lacking the ability to say "no" lately. This is one of the BIG things about my ADD that really gets me in trouble. I spread myself far to thin and because of my wonderful horrid organizational and time management skills I end up in ALOT of trouble.
4. Exercise has been a demon I have had no desire to exercise from my life... yesterday was literally the FIRST time I went for a walk in MONTHS... 
5. My house is a disaster. Nothing in its place and no place for anything
6. School is kicking my ass the semester, but this is because I am not really giving it the all that it deserves.
7. I miss my friends. I have been working several mornings each week, and while I get to hang out with one of my friends while I do it, I still miss my other friends too.
8. My parenting lately has certainly been less than stellar... again I have been hanging out in my trunk and really need to work myself into my engine.
9. I want a pair of jeans that fits that does NOT have a 2 as the first number of it
10. I will try to be more positive and gracious. My life may not be the way that I want it, nor is it perfect, but it is still better than the lives that some have.

Ok... that's my purge for today... Good luck to everyone who is participating in the Shrinking Jeans Challenge for this next challenge.

Understanding...

I recently came into a period of major understanding in my life. For too long I have continued to try when I thought I was doing the right things, but no longer....because you see I now understand.

No longer will I go with the game of 'nice to my face but talk shit when I'm gone" aspect of life... I deserve better than that... and honestly.... so do you. Because you see... I now understand.

No longer am I going to go out of my way to make things easier for you... because you see I now understand that you are spiteful and mean and think you are better than me... you see... I now understand.

No longer am I going to make excuses for or defend your behavior when it is obvious that you were never in my corner... I should have learned my lesson the first time... I now understand.

No longer will I care what you think about me or my husband...we may not be perfect, but at least we are not fake...I now understand.

No longer will I go out of my way to make others happy when it pains others... I was caring about the wrong peoples' feelings...but I now understand.

No longer will I force my family to be part of things that they want nothing to do with...I understand now that I was not helping them at all...just making their hurt worse.

I know that I can not change how you feel about me or my family and honestly... I don't care anymore because I now understand.

I know that what I do care about is how you mean so much to my children...and in the end they mean nothing to you...but I can only hope that one day they too will understand.

I now understand that time changes nothing...and it is exactly the same now as it was then... but what I need for you to understand is that now that I understand... I just don't care anymore.

Totally Ticks me Off Tuesday

YAY... it's Tuesday... Which means that I get to do "Totally Ticks Me off Tuesday"... I originally stole borrowed  this idea from my good blogging/twitter friend MidWestMommy but she hasn't been needing it lately so I have decided to carry on the torch and keep it up...although I am really glad that she hasn't been needing it as much... So here goes my Totally Ticks me Off Tuesday....

1. First off... I really did not like Christmas this year... it was the first holiday that I was "home" (I spent Thanksgiving in the Twin Cities with my husband's family) that my grandfather was not here. I was not ready for this... I thought I was because I am such a good 'faker' and have been doing a lot better with my emotions (only crying in the shower, when everyone else is asleep and in the car counts as having my emotions in check right???). So that wasn't the part that ticked me off... the part that ticked me off was when I made the attempt to leave the house *in a blizzard mind you* to join the rest of my extended family for the celebration I was the butt of the jokes, the very special gift that I made my grandmother was purposely left out of the 'list' of items she received for Christmas, and last but not least... my grandpa wasn't there because of some one else's mistakes/stupidity...AND THAT TOTALLY TICKED ME OFF...
2. I was totally pissed off by the fact that a certain relative(s) didn't call to tell us Merry Christmas and when we called to tell them Merry Christmas we were told they were too busy to talk to our kids... THANKS ALOT..
3. In that same sense... the same relatives called the DAY AFTER Shelby and Avery's birthday to tell them happy birthday... said relative also argued with us when we said their birthday was the day before... HELLO!?!?!? You have a child who has the same damn birthday! Bet you called him! Oh..and for those who care... no the person did not ever admit that they were wrong...we just switched the conversation and let them tell the girls Happy Birthday... although Shelby did make a point to say "todays not my birthday...it was yesterday" (that part did NOT tick me off ha ha)
4. I am ticked off that the plastic is STILL not up on the windows in my bedroom so therefor I freeze my butt off all night long ... brrrrr
5. LASTLY I was completely pissed off (and disgusted) by the fact that I went to the store to buy a new scale yesterday. I purchased one that seemed pretty good, had a lot of bells and whistles etc. Got it home to find someone else's nasty gross bathroom scale in the box instead...EWWWW. I promptly took it back to the store that I bought it from and was accused of being the who to do it... Umm excuse me? I think I am now joining my friend Lissa on her feelings for this store . I was able to finally get the scale that I actually purchased but only because I name dropped of a friend who is a manager at that store...but talk about pissing me off!!!
   

There is more but I think this is enough for those of you who have sat through my list of bitching long enough... lol.

Happy Tuesday :)

'not me' Monday

Yay!!! It is Monday... you know what that means.... the other grown-ups at my house go back to work, and I get to spend the entire day getting the Krumwiede kids back into a routine... and oh yea... and it is also time for 'not me' Monday too. I love it when "not me" get to visit our house and it isn't because one of the other residents did something that they don't want to own up to... it is ME who gets to me Not Me... *insert evil laugh here*




Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This week was a doozy, so there were a lot of I most certain did NOT just do that moments, but being me you know that I am going to share the most 'fun' ones...because let's face it no one wants to hear about the boring stuff in our life...who would actually read my blog if all I ever did was actually talk about the 'boring' stuff that happens in the Krumwiede house hold.

I most certainly did not wish/plead/beg for a dishwasher for Christmas. I mean what kind of sick and twisted woman wants a household appliance for Christmas. My husband also did not respond with "No way...this is a trap... I just know it" when I told him that was what I wanted for Christmas... if this had happened I would be saying WAY TO GO Chad for the 'no appliances for gifts' rule that was established early on in our relationship except I REALLY REALLY do want a new dishwasher... well that is if this had been me 

With Christmas this past week(end) I had been getting myself in kind of a tizy about the fact that we didn't have a lot of things under the Christmas tree for the children... I am sure we are not he only family that money is a bit tight for and I also know that we aren't the only family who feels that the presents aren't the REAL reason for the season. So because of that you know that it most certainly was not me searching the isles of our local discount chain store at 1:00am Christmas Eve looking for a present that one of our children had asked 'the man' for.... nope most certainly not me. And since that was not me, it also was not me who could not find said requested item and burst into tears while talking to my husband and said "Oh no... Robot-dog is going to be her Wiener whistle"... and you know that is most certain was NOT my husband who burst out laughing while on said phone call because as I said it most certainly was NOT me who did any of that.

In continuation of the previous not me... it most certainly was not me who wrote a note on the even better gift that I KNEW our child would like better than the Robot-dog from 'the man' that said "Sorry Delainey, but I wasn't able to get any more Robot-dogs made since you came to visit my helper until late in the week. I was able to make this wonderful art easel for you though, and I know that the amazing artist in you would much rather have this"... and since that wasn't me... I certainly didn't write the note using my left hand so the note didn't look like my 'mom' handwriting... Nope.. NOT ME.

On Friday (Christmas Day) I most certainly did not brave the blizzard here in town to attempt to make it over to my uncle's house for the "Wentz Family Christmas" only to leave about an hour in because I just couldn't handle Christmas without my grandfather there... apparently I have been just 'not thinking about it' and hoping that it wouldn't hit me.

On Saturday while in the car getting Shelby and Avery a birthday cake (since I didn't have any cake mixes at home) I most certainly did not burst into tears while hearing the new Carrie Underwood song "Temporary Home" because I knew what was coming in the lyrics. And since it most certainly was not me who did this, I most certainly did not have to pull over because I was crying/screaming so hard I couldn't even see straight. Nope not me... because I always have my emotions in check.

I did most certainly not pray "Dear God Please give me the patience to endure my blessings" this morning when I was awaken by 3 girls screaming/fighting in the hallway over a toy that was actually their brother's... only  7 more days till Winter Break is over :)

I hope that 'not me' Monday has cleared your mind/soul as well as it has mine... Here is to an amazing week for us all...and if that doesn't work... there is always "Totally Ticks Me Off Tuesday" tomorrow :)

Totally Ticks me off Tuesday

Well since last week's edition of "Totally Ticks me of Tuesday" made me feel a little better, I thought I'd try it again. It was originally created by my awesome blog friend MidWestMommy, but she hasn't been needing them lately, so being the amazing and supportive friend that I am *umm yea that's it* I thought I would have continuous weeks of nasty no fun crappy stuff that has made me mad to write about so that she could get a break ;)

So here is this weeks 'edition' of Totally Ticks Me of Tuesday Kristin Style:

1. It really ticks me off when people assume that because I am 'just' a stay-at-home mom that I do absolutely nothing but eat bon-bons and watch tv all day. I may "JUST" be a stay at home mom, but I am also a full time college student, Tastefully Simple Consultant, President of my local MOMS Club, active in my children's schools (yes my school aged children go to 2 different schools and I am active in both of them), I help a friend with her daycare a few days of the weeks and I also have been working hard advocating for my child so she can get a break...really? Yup. Kristin just sits at home and does NOTHING. What I would give for a day in which I really did NOTHING and to sit back and see the crap storm that would happen when people came over.
2. My house being spotless is NOT MY STYLE... never has been. I saw a sign at a craft fair this summer that said "Pardon the mess my children are making memories"... and quite frankly I would rather them remember me playing with them, reading to them etc than them remember Mommy always yelling about picking up the toys, crayons etc. If you want to see my house clean, then please stop by in between the hours of 10pm and 6am...but I can't promise you that we will be good company.
3. Health Insurance Companies... yes these REALLY tick me off. I have a child who has a 'need' for services and because her 'need' isn't recognized by the medical community as being 'worthy' of being a 'real' diagnosis we are currently fighting to get her the services she needs. We are on the fence of giving our child a label that while she has 'some' characteristics of we know that it isn't in fact this diagnosis. I am tired of people saying that she is JUST a brat, or that IF we'd spank her she wouldn't act like that etc (insert all the amazing and unwanted/unneeded parenting advice here)... God how I only wish that a spanking would fix this all (not that I am an advocate of spanking/hitting/physical punishments--- just saying I wish it was that easy). 
4. Having to explain myself and my actions countless times, when I haven't done anything wrong. I should not have to justify my parenting style to other people, unless of course I am doing something illegal or to harm my child, I should not have to explain to other people why we felt the 'need' to invite my 6 year old's entire kindergarten class to her birthday party (if I didn't ask you to help don't worry about it), I should most certainly not have to explain to anyone why my 2 year old's crib is STILL in my bedroom-- but I will... the room that will be my 2 year old's bedroom is currently the toy room because I got sick of having toys completely over taking my living room (which they still do even with a toy room) and our basement needed a bit of remodel before we moved the toys etc down there and you see we just RECENTLY (as in like in the last month) repainted our basement etc to make it more family friendly, so I haven't had the time/energy/motivation/help to move all the toys out of the toy room, paint the wall (they are currently purple and pink as the room was previously my 6 year old's), and move everything the way it would need to be for it to be his room. So there...even though I know that I don't have to explain myself... I still felt the need to do so...
5. People who don't live here complaining about the way things work in our house. Unless your driver's license has THIS address listed on it... you don't get to ask why this happens or why that doesn't happen and you CERTAINLY do not get to comment on the fact that our Christmas tree still isn't up..(duh..we just had 21 kids 6 and under in our house...do you really think we needed a Christmas tree added to that...I think not).

There is so much more that I could go on about but I am not going to... I think I have given us all enough to process for now...

Thanks for 'listening'....

Perplexed...

Today I was at the grocery store minding my own business when I heard a voice call “Ms Wentz…it is so nice to see you”… I looked up from the potato chips that I was looking at to see a man standing next to me that I sort of recognized and recalled a ‘bad experience’ with… I continued to have a puzzled look on my face and responded with “excuse me…do I know you”.

This man then responded with “why yes, my name is Dr….” this is where I interrupted the man because as soon as I was actually paying attention to his voice I recalled where I knew him from… and replied “Oh yes… I do recall your name… and I have nothing to say to you”… and turned my cart in the opposite direction that I was originally headed and started to walk away…

Something stopped me… I calmly turned around to see the same man standing there and the look on his face switched from confusion to an almost scared look as I walked back to him… I looked this man in the eye and said “actually I do have something to say to you… You have no idea how much I am screaming inside with joy and jubilation right now that YOU remember not only my face but also my name. I am even more happy and joyous about the fact that I barely recognize you. I hope you remember me forever… and again my previous wish for you stands true… I hope someday someone cares for you and your loved ones the way you cared for mine”….

I turned to walk away a little bit lighter and made it all the way to the restroom of the grocery store before I lost it and burst into tears…I did eventually emerge and finish my shopping...

Still not sure how I feel about the entire thing... as it probably to be seen considering I am writing this post at 12:43 AM.

Decisions and choices gone ....BAD?

Well last night Chad and I talked about the choices that were in front of us. We made a choice and we both agreed that if this was what I wanted that I should go for it, but that if it wasn’t that it wasn’t the end of the world…

So I tossed and turned for several hours last night before I finally gave up on sleep, and went to the living room. I finally was able to go to bed at 5am (so you know ALL moms work amazingly on 2 hours of sleep)… I got the kids off to school and called the company that had offered me the job and accepted the job. The moment I hung up the phone I burst into tears… within 5 minutes of that I could hardly breathe… obviously this was not the right choice for me.

I had thought that I thought everything through… and it wasn’t until I heard someone else say that 3 nights of the week I wouldn’t see my babies for the whole day…you see I would be leaving by 6:30am and wouldn’t be back until well after bed time, and the two other nights of the week I have night class so I wouldn’t have seen them then either… it was certainly my own personal ahhh moment.

My husband helped me through the crisis and I was able to come to my own choice that this position probably wasn’t going to work out for me… he helped me to understand that while the extra money would be nice, that our children come first…even if they drive me bonkers…I think this was JUST the kick in the pants I needed to realize that I GET to stay home with them and not that I HAVE to.

As I was calming down further, an amazing friend called. She and I have worked closely for years on different pet projects and such, and she has offered me an amazing position FROM HOME for a cause that I fully believe in and would put my own life on the line for… I have of course accepted this position and will travel for training next Thursday and Friday for work J YAY!!! Amazing position and also a small mental break in the car on the way there :)

So I fully believe that I apparently got the direct line to God today in my prayers… because in the matter of moments all the pieces fell into place for me and my family…

Accountability...

The dictionary defines accountability as this:
The state of being accountable; liability to be called on to render an account; the obligation to bear the consequences for failure to perform as expected; accountableness.

It seems that I have been struggling with this definition in a lot of aspects of my life (personal and professional--well as professional as a SAHM can be).

You are probably wondering what exactly my previous paragraph has to do with the term of accountability, but trust me…eventually I will get to the point that this entire message will make sense.

I make my 5 year old be accountable for her actions when she hurts a friend’s feelings, even when that friend isn’t respecting her, I make my 3 year old twins be accountable for their actions when they are fighting with each other, I even make my 1 year old be accountable for his own actions when he isn’t following the rules of our house with ‘natural consequences’.

I myself have had to be held accountable for my actions good or bad over the past week several times alone. For example, I didn’t spend enough time on my math homework; in fact I waited until the last day before the exam to even do most of it… I had to be held accountable for my actions… the accountability came in the form of the grade I received… 30/50 which is a 60%, which for this teacher is a D. I am the one who has to be accountable for that…

Awhile ago I wasn’t paying much attention to something one of my children were doing and because of my lack of parenting at that moment, and one of my children was injured by a sibling… and even though the sibling is the one who hurt said child – and had their own consequences for her actions - - at the end of the day it was me who was really accountable for the entire situation.

One of our children has some things that require we look fully at a situation before we change things up on them... there are days that I am better with this and there are days that I want to scream from the mountain top that I just want for that child to be ‘normal’ and that I am tired of having to run my life around the schedule that my child feels is right for our family…and therefore I do what I want and make this child go along with it… this child will meltdown, not listen etc the entire time that things aren’t going the way they should. I get frustrated, sometimes even angry… but you know what… I have to be accountable for the choice I made. I made the choice to change things up on a child who needs things to be in order and on schedule – I often find myself wondering just what God was thinking when he paired this amazing child with me… I mean come on... I am not the most organized, scheduled person in the world, I love changing my plans at a drop of a hat and just being free… Did he not fully understand the damage that I would inflict on this child by not fully understanding her needs and putting them first always—anyways back to my point, when I change things up on the precious little child and she suffers consequences for my actions it really is me who should be accountable not her..

Isn’t it interesting that as parents we require that our children be accountable for their actions…but as adults we are rarely accountable for our own. How often do you ‘see’ an adult who has cut someone off in traffic apologize to the person who they cut off? How often do you see an adult apologize for hurting another person’s feelings without at least some part of an excuse for their actions other than just being accountable?

And what I have recently found enough more interesting is that I accept more accountability from my children than I do my friends and adult family members. I expect for my children to be responsible for their actions without excuse… but when it comes to my friends and family I am the first one to make excuses for their behavior and somehow even turn their actions into being my fault.

After talking to someone today it became very clear to me… I can only be accountable for myself and my own actions. I cannot continue to try to accept accountability for other people’s actions…even when their directly affect me. I already knew this…but for some reason hearing if from this other person made it seem more real… but like my grandfather always used to tell me “Kristin…no one but you can make you happy… and if you don’t make yourself happy first…you will never be happy”…

Ok… so maybe this post ended up not making any sense such as I said that it would, but thankfully it is my blog and I can say what I want J

Totally ticks me off Tuesday...

**warning...swearing, bitching and moaning ahead...read following post at your own risk and please do not read out loud with children present... there is cursing and some things I say just aren't very 'motherly'....YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**

YAY!!! It is Tuesday... I LOVE Tuesdays.... wanna know why??? Because of TOTALLY TICKS ME OFF TUESDAY but of course... who doesn't look forward to that day of the week in which they can totally 'get their bitch on' without everyone getting all huffy about it and being mad... well today is MY day and look out world because I am about to let 'er rip. Look out folks... this one is gonna be a doozy...

You may remember a few months ago when I blogged that poem/essay about my grandfather that I said how proud he was of his family... of how his family was his greatest accomplishment and how even when they 'messed up' he was always so proud of us .... ummm yea... probably not right now... THINK ABOUT THIS PEOPLE!!! REALLY THINK...

Shouldn't family help pick you up when you are down??? I mean seriously... is it really the best thing to do to kick someone over and over and over when they can't even catch their breath? Really... honestly...

Don't you hate it when you 'keep' the reciept for something knowing that you may encounter a problem with it.... only to have lost the reciept when the problem occurs and you are stuck with a $200 purchase that you can't do anything with??yup... happended AGAIN

I am having a really hard time 'building' my Tastefully Simple business right now... no matter what I do, it seems like I keep hitting dead ends and walls... there is an awesome new program for hostesses coming out Sept 1st, and also the new fall/winter line so I am hoping that will spark some interest for me to get some new parties booked etc... Here's hoping right.

and last but not least... (this isn't really a bitch but more of a praise)... after having seen my last Totally ticks me off Tuesday, the person who had been leaving glasses with milk in them has FINALLY begun to rinse them out... they aren't in the dishwasher yet, but at least they are rinsed out :)

THERE... now that I have gotten all that off my chest, hopefully the rest of the week can flow..especially since I start back up with classes as does Chad, and Delainey starts school on Thursday... Wish us luck for the rest of the week :)

I cried...

I took the picture below this past Thursday while traveling with my husband and children to visit the Twin Cities... I didn't understand it at the time... but there was a reason I took over 20 pictures of these rainbows in a 10 mile period...

I had a dream this morning ( I say this morning because I only went to bed at 4am)... in this dream my grandmother was asking me to do something that I did not want to do... but because she had asked me to, I did it. You see I made a promise to my grandfather that I would try to be less defiante where my grandmother is concerned... so I reluctently did as I was asked in the dream... I can't remember what it was that I was asked... I just remember that I didn't want to do it...but I did it anyways.... all of a sudden the scene in my dream changed and I was sitting in a field staring at two rainbows...close together but not touching...and in the background I could hear the song "Butterfly kisses"... there were people all around me... I looked around and saw all these people not really recognizing anyone until the man beside me made eye contact... it was my grandfather. I obviously cuddled close in for an amazing hug and heard his voice tell me that he loves me so much and started to cry in my dream... I sadly woke up far to soon... because you see I was crying and my tears had soaked my pillow and the dampness on the pillow had roused me from my sleep... I quickly flipped my pillow over and closed my eyes in hope to fall asleep and get back to my dream... but like all good dreams... this one had come to an end... far to soon for me...

But because of this dream, I was able to visit my grandfather's grave today... I layed on the freshly growing grass and cried some more... but with my tears and sobbing came a sense of relief...a calm came over me... I cried for quite a while as I layed there in the grass...but eventually I was able to pick myself up off the earth and make my way back to my van and come home... it was because of my dream that I was able to finally cry... and as sick as it sounds... it felt good.

"not me" Monday...

It is that time of week again in which we bust out our amazing link to MckMama’s blog and get to tell the world what we (or our children) most certainly did NOT do this week, for example I know that I did NOT wipe my child’s runny nose at a family picnic using just my fingers, and since I did NOT do that I know for certain that I didn’t wipe what I removed from child’s face directly onto my jeans….see stuff like that… those things that we would NEVER do.

MckMama has worked it out all fun and has a link system all set up, so all you’ve got to do is stop over at HER BLOG, add your blog address to the set, snag yourself the linky and get started…. Enjoy! It is almost like therapy…it IS therapy. And remember to stop back at her blog over the day so that you can see what our internet buddies most certainly did NOT do themselves… Have an awesome Monday everyone…

I most certainly caught up on my laundry and I can see the beautiful floor of my laundry room in the basement.... NOT (oh how I wish this task had been accomplished)....

Last week was a hot one in our neck of the woods... in fact is was pretty much the first time all summer than it actually felt like summer outside... so I most certainly did not have a bunch of kids in my back yard turning it into a mud puddle while trying to enjoy some fun in the sun...

I most certainly did NOT leave the house 4 nights of the 5 last week and hope while I was gone that the children would be asleep when I got home... sadly only one of those nights were the children in bed...well if I had done that, because you know that I did NOT do that.

I did NOT have a in depth conversation with a district manager this past week about the horrible service that I recieved at a local resturant. Nor did I come to the realization that it is only when I am 'nice' about things do I get treated like crud... so I am going with my friend Amanda's thoughts in that you've got to be a "B-word" to accomplish things. Thankfully if I would have had this conversation things would now be resolved and hopefully the situation will never happen again.... well if it had happened to begin with...

I most certainly am NOT dragging my four children to a parent seminar tonight to be watched by complete strangers so no other 'adults' have to be responsible for them... nor will they all be out past their bed time since the seminar is from 5:30pm-9:00pm...well you know... if there was a seminar, which there isn't.

I most certainly am not completely disgusted by the actions of a person I know regarding alot of people... this person has been my 'hero' for some time (well if this were the case he would probably have been my hero since I was born, but since it did not happen he isn't)... it just makes me sick...well if it were happening that is...

Have an awesome Monday everyone... see ya next week for more "not me", because I know we are NOT going to have some doozies since we are going on a min-vacation to the Twin Cities.

Totally Ticks Me Off Tuesday

**warning...swearing, bitching and moaning ahead...read following post at your own risk and please do not read out loud with children present... there is cursing and some things I say just aren't very 'motherly'....YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**

YAY!!! It is Tuesday... I LOVE Tuesdays.... wanna know why??? Because of TOTALLY TICKS ME OFF TUESDAY but of course... who doesn't look forward to that day of the week in which they can totally 'get their bitch on' without everyone getting all huffy about it and being mad... well today is MY day and look out world because I am about to let 'er rip.

First and foremost... I absolutely get totally ticked off when someone (who shall remain nameless) at my house refuses to rinse out their damn milk glass... I mean come the frick on...RINSE THE DAMN THING OUT ALREADY!!!! 9 years of NOT rinsed out milk glasses is driving me completely insane... 9 YEARS PEOPLE!!!!

Here is another items that has really gotten stuck in my butt this past week... if you step around a toy the first time and then end up stepping ON the same said toy (and are an adult) you don't get to bitch a moan about the fact that you stepped on it... there are two awesome options for this problem... 1)when you step over the toy THE FIRST TIME ask one of the children to pick it up and put it where it belongs, since it is VERY obvious that the child(ren) are done playing with said toy or 2) Pick the damn thing up youself.... I mean seriously...

Do NOT lecture me about 'yelling' at my children when 1)you NEVER talked to me as a child 2)you yell at them all the time and 3) you haven't been dealing with the same damn fight that I have since 9am... and in my own defense... I wasn't even 'yelling'... trust me... I know how to yell.

And this one is almost a second part of the above tick... when I ask you not to yell at my children, do not respond with "Oh that is rich coming from you".... umm hello? In the event that I did yell at my child(ren) it is more 'my right' than yours and I am trying really hard not to parent the way that I was parented... unless of course you parented a DIFFERENT child other than me, or unless I have suffered a SERVERE brain injury in the past oh say 20 years and remember things quite differently than they actually were... oh plain and simply BITE ME!!!

Oh....boy .... Do I feel better!!! :) Anyone else care to get your bitch on with me???

Not Me Monday....

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This Not Me Monday is likely to look more like a "Totally Ticks Me off Tuesday", but it has been a rough one people... seriously.

This past Monday I most certain did not argue with one of the children in my house for 95 minutes about the fact that she had to pick up the paper that she tore up in a fit of rage. Why the rage you ask??? Apparently her sister LOOKED at the picture she was drawing and said that it looked nice... and just for the record...it was not Shelby..

I most certainly did NOT forget to turn the dishwasher on after loading it 3 nights this past week. Honestly, I think that I shouldn't have to take FULL responsiblity for this because maybe just maybe if someone else in the house knew what the dishwasher was/did/worked I wouldn't be the only one who would have to remember.

I most certainly did not tell two of my children they could sleep with me if they promised to just go to sleep because I was tired.

I most certainly did not almost avoid going to my high school reunion because 'someone' was throwing a fit about the situation... no I was not the was throwing the fit... for real I wasn't.

I most certainly am NOT seriously considering making 'cereal' for dinner tonight instead of the beef strogonoff that is on the menu plan.

And last but not least... I most certainly did not place my 20 month old son in his high chair (in the kitchen) give him a bunch of cheerios, and come out to the living room to post this message... Nope NOT this Mama :)

Have a great Monday everyone!!!

Grief...

I am trying to work through my grief…it isn’t going well.
You often hear about the “5 Stages of Grief” and being a psychology major I am very aware of the theory that was created by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The 5 stages include:

• Denial (this isn’t happening to me)
• Anger (why is this happening to me)
• Bargaining (I promise I’ll be better if)
• Depression (I don’t care anymore)
• Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

Well frankly none of those really fit be except for the anger part, and even that doesn’t really fit because I am not angry that my grandfather died… do I wish I had more time with him? Most certainly but I am not mad that he died… but I am mad.

Looking at different sites to help me through all of the thoughts etc, I happened upon a website, that talks about Dr. Roberta Temes book “Living With an Empty Arm Chair—a guide through grief” and her stages of grief seem to work a bit better for me and they are:

• Numbness (mechanical functioning and social isolation)
• Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)
• Reorganization (re-entry into a more ‘normal’ social life)

I am not the same person I was when I wrote THIS post at the beginning of the month. I thought that I was ok with everything. I thought that I was at peace with my grandfather being gone… but I am not. I am numb. I am numb in a world full of emotion, emotions that I cannot be part of right now. I have been distancing myself from friends, and family. I feel empty even though I have a world of people around me who love me and who are going through the same things that I am.

I am so angry… I am so lost… I am selfish… I am scared...I am heartbroken… I am in pain.

I have amazing friends who are surrounding me at this time, and all I do is push them away, because I can’t stand for them to see me in anyway other than the me I want to be. Plus I think a big part of it is that I am afraid that once I start talking about all the feelings and emotions that I have “stuffed” (my friend’s term not mine) that I am not going to be able to stop. This friend asked earlier today if I was ‘stuffing’ and my response “I am so stuffing that I almost have a king sized comforter for my bed”… and it is so true… if only I could just let it all go and flow… I know that it will feel better once it is out and in the open, but I also know that it is going to hurt and bad to get it out there...and that is where the scared comes into play...

In honor of my grandfather

* wrote the following poem/story/speech over the past week in different parts and read it at my grandfather's memorial service/rosary on Thursday evening.*

By Kristin Wentz-Krumwiede
in honor of her grandfather, Wendelin Andrew Wentz 8/9/37-6/30/09

I wrote this early last Saturday morning…
Today I am selfish…
Today (well it is actually yesterday now) was not a good day for me or my entire family. We learned that my grandfather’s cancer has spread and were now terminal, we also learned that we didn’t know how much time he had left. I can’t even begin to put into words what is going on in my head and heart right now…and I can always find something to say.
I want for him to have peace… I want for him to not be in pain any longer… but I am also selfish.
I want my Papa. I want for my children to continue to be able to build that special bond they have with their great-grandfather…
I want for Brody to continue to be able to run into my grandparents’ house yelling “Pa pa pa” and know that Brody’s Papa is going to be in that stupid blue recliner. I want to be able to tell Shelby that “Yes, Papa’s medicine made him all better”… I want for Delainey to not have to ‘pretend’ to be ok, when she is scared beyond belief… I want for Avery to not be afraid to give her Papa a kiss because of the scary mask that is on his face.
I want to be able to hug my grandfather without all the tubes and wires. I am selfish. I want to continue to feel the hugs that only my grandfather can give that make the whole world go away, and tell you that he loves you so very very much. I want for my grandmother to not have to make the choices that she will soon have to make. I want for my mom, aunts, uncles, and cousins to not feel the sense of loss that we all know are coming.
Right now I am selfish…later when I wake up, (if I can ever get to sleep) I will wake up and not be selfish… I will put on a brave face and continue to tell everyone that “I am ok”…but for right now I am so very selfish.

But I have figured out a lot since I wrote that this past Saturday…
I will forever miss the greatest man that I will ever know… but I will take comfort in the fact that we were able to spend the most amazing 4 days together as a family. We were able to make memories that will last us all a lifetime, even in the small space of a hospital room. We cried together, we laughed together. We were able to tell him the things that we needed for him to hear, and he was able to tell us what he wanted to say to us. We were there for each other. It was upon seeing this that I realized that while my grandfather isn’t here on earth with me or the rest of us, his legacy will in fact live on through us. I now understand just why my grandfather’s eyes sparkled when he would talk about any of his family… we his family is his greatest accomplishment. He taught us all to come together when times are hard, he taught us that our family will always be here for us…and most of all he taught us how to love each other unconditionally…
We will all heal and move on from our grief eventually… we will adapt to a life with grandpa as our angel in heaven rather than our angel on earth. For example… I learned the other day that my cousin Kenny gives the exact same hugs that my grandfather gave… or how even though my cousin Josh is only 14 years old…he is wise beyond his years and often says things that could easily be from grandpa’s mouth when it comes to his amazing faith… the similarities of our family to the man who helped to form us all are just to many to list. I see my grandfather in the eyes of each of his sons and how they parent their children… I see my grandfather in my mom and in my aunt in many ways… it is amazing to see this now when I never noticed it before.
It is ok for us to be selfish… it is ok for us to be sad… it is ok for us to be angry… but I know that grandpa is not sad or angry where he is… he is enjoying the life everlasting that he has told us about our entire lives… I take solace in knowing that he is watching over me, my children, my mom, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins, and most importantly I know that he is watching over my grandmother. I know that he is with his family in heaven waiting for us just as they waited for him.
And it is because of this knowledge that I am no longer selfish… I am thankful. I am thankful to have had 28 ½ amazing years with this man in my life on earth and I am thankful that because of him and what he has taught me and the rest of our family that we will have eternity with him when we too are called home.