Two years ago today my life changed forever....
I was told that the man that I knew I could always count on and who always had my back was in fact going to die. That there was nothing more to be done... he was going to be leaving us.
I find myself remembering back to where I was when and what came next etc... and I have to be honest. It hurts more now than it did then. When we were actually going through it I was in a fog. I didn't know what it was going to be like to go on without him. I didn't realize how even two years later I still wouldn't have processed the pain properly... I didn't know what was coming....
Now I do... I know how much my life had changed because he is gone. I know how much it hurts to have my children ask questions about one of the greatest men who ever walked the earth and not because to answer them because of my pain. I now know what it is like to have to go on day after day without the greatest man who ever (to me) lived...
I never imagined it would still hurt this much... It's just not right.
Showing posts with label Grandpa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grandpa. Show all posts
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Monday, August 24, 2009
I cried...
I took the picture below this past Thursday while traveling with my husband and children to visit the Twin Cities... I didn't understand it at the time... but there was a reason I took over 20 pictures of these rainbows in a 10 mile period...
I had a dream this morning ( I say this morning because I only went to bed at 4am)... in this dream my grandmother was asking me to do something that I did not want to do... but because she had asked me to, I did it. You see I made a promise to my grandfather that I would try to be less defiante where my grandmother is concerned... so I reluctently did as I was asked in the dream... I can't remember what it was that I was asked... I just remember that I didn't want to do it...but I did it anyways.... all of a sudden the scene in my dream changed and I was sitting in a field staring at two rainbows...close together but not touching...and in the background I could hear the song "Butterfly kisses"... there were people all around me... I looked around and saw all these people not really recognizing anyone until the man beside me made eye contact... it was my grandfather. I obviously cuddled close in for an amazing hug and heard his voice tell me that he loves me so much and started to cry in my dream... I sadly woke up far to soon... because you see I was crying and my tears had soaked my pillow and the dampness on the pillow had roused me from my sleep... I quickly flipped my pillow over and closed my eyes in hope to fall asleep and get back to my dream... but like all good dreams... this one had come to an end... far to soon for me...
But because of this dream, I was able to visit my grandfather's grave today... I layed on the freshly growing grass and cried some more... but with my tears and sobbing came a sense of relief...a calm came over me... I cried for quite a while as I layed there in the grass...but eventually I was able to pick myself up off the earth and make my way back to my van and come home... it was because of my dream that I was able to finally cry... and as sick as it sounds... it felt good.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Happy Birthday Papa...
Today was a rough day... today would have been my grandfather's 72nd birthday. I had this awesome plan to take the girls to get balloons and take them to the cemetary and put them on his grave along with a cup cake. I ended up going by myself.... I couldn't bring them. They have never been to the cemetary, and I wasn't sure how to explain why we were visiting some dirt on Papa's birthday when they know he is in heaven... they were never told the 'legistics' of what went on.So here I am in my car with 1 mylar balloon and 6 latex balloons, and a cupcake. I start to pull up the drive way of the cemetary and I get about 1/2 way up the hill and I can't go anymore. I actually had to reverse down the driveway because I couldn't do it.... I just couldn't. So instead I drove for a bit north of town, pulled to the side of the road, wrote a little note and attached it to the balloons, stepped out of my car, removed the weight from the balloons and just let them go....and the cupcake you ask??? I left it by the side of the road too. Not exactly where I had planned to let everything 'go' or be placed... but it was where I 'let it go'....
Happy Birthday grandpa... I hope heaven is as wonderful as you believed it would be... You are missed and loved...our hearts are still broken, but we will NEVER NEVER EVER forget you. WE LOVE YOU PAPA!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Today is also my mother-in-law's birthday. We were unable to attend the family dinner this evening (obviously since they live 500 miles away) but we are planning on being in the Cities in two weeks so we can celebrate with them then.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Grief...
I am trying to work through my grief…it isn’t going well.
You often hear about the “5 Stages of Grief” and being a psychology major I am very aware of the theory that was created by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The 5 stages include:
You often hear about the “5 Stages of Grief” and being a psychology major I am very aware of the theory that was created by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The 5 stages include:
- Denial (this isn’t happening to me)
- Anger (why is this happening to me)
- Bargaining (I promise I’ll be better if)
- Depression (I don’t care anymore)
- Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)
Well frankly none of those really fit be except for the anger part, and even that doesn’t really fit because I am not angry that my grandfather died… do I wish I had more time with him? Most certainly but I am not mad that he died… but I am mad.
Looking at different sites to help me through all of the thoughts etc, I happened upon a website, that talks about Dr. Roberta Temes book “Living With an Empty Arm Chair—a guide through grief” and her stages of grief seem to work a bit better for me and they are:
- Numbness (mechanical functioning and social isolation)
- Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)
- Reorganization (re-entry into a more ‘normal’ social life)
I am not the same person I was when I wrote THIS post at the beginning of the month. I thought that I was ok with everything. I thought that I was at peace with my grandfather being gone… but I am not. I am numb. I am numb in a world full of emotion, emotions that I cannot be part of right now. I have been distancing myself from friends, and family. I feel empty even though I have a world of people around me who love me and who are going through the same things that I am.
I am so angry… I am so lost… I am selfish… I am scared...I am heartbroken… I am in pain.
I have amazing friends who are surrounding me at this time, and all I do is push them away, because I can’t stand for them to see me in anyway other than the me I want to be. Plus I think a big part of it is that I am afraid that once I start talking about all the feelings and emotions that I have “stuffed” (my friend’s term not mine) that I am not going to be able to stop. This friend asked earlier today if I was ‘stuffing’ and my response “I am so stuffing that I almost have a king sized comforter for my bed”… and it is so true… if only I could just let it all go and flow… I know that it will feel better once it is out and in the open, but I also know that it is going to hurt and bad to get it out there...and that is where the scared comes into play...
Friday, July 10, 2009
Conversation with a 5 year old...
"Mommy. Baby Ella is in heaven right?"
Yes, Delainey, Baby Ella is in heaven.
And Papa is in heaven now too right?
Yes.
Do you think that Baby Ella and Papa are together in heaven?
Yes, Delainey I do think that Papa and Baby Ella are together in heaven...
Did Heaven take baby Ella and Papa??
No Delainey, Heaven didn't take them. Remember they were both really sick and the medicine couldn't make them better anymore, so God decided to let them come live in Heaven with him, so they would be all better and could watch over us all, rather than be sick here on earth.
Oh... Ok.
**this is where I thought the conversation had ended, but it was far from over**
Later that night after bedtime was well under way and everyone was asleep, Delainey screamed out in her sleep. Rushing into her room I found her standing at the side of her bed with her "Angels" (a two piece picture frame with Ella and Papa's pictures in it) in her hand wide awake.
Delainey honey... whats wrong?
I'm mad at Heaven.
Why?
Because heaven gets my Baby Ella and my Papa. I want them back....
Honey I know we all want Baby Ella and Papa back, but they have to stay in Heaven with God, and be our angels remember. They will always be with us in our hearts and in our memories, but they can't come back to us. We just have to remember them...and know that they love us in Heaven.
Can we go to heaven and visit them?
We will all get to go to heaven some day, but right now we have to stay on earth. We each have things we have to do on earth before we can go to heaven...and once we do them then God will let us go to Heaven with him. And when we get there we will see Baby Ella and Papa and all the rest of our family...
What did Ella have to do before she could go to heaven?
*this was a hard one*
She brought many people together. She showed us all how to be strong and how to fight, but she also showed us what love is. She showed us how much you could love.
Oh.. ok
What was Papa's job.
He has the same jobs as Baby Ella sweetie.
How come Ella's job was done faster?
I think maybe Ella was just faster at her job what do you think?
Well Ella is a girl Mommy...girls can do things faster than boys.
*insert my small chuckle here*
Will they forget about us in heaven?
No, sweetie. Baby Ella and Papa will never forget about us while they are in heaven, just like we won't ever forget about them.
Oh...ok. Can I sleep in your bed ?
Yes, but only for tonight.
Yes, Delainey, Baby Ella is in heaven.
And Papa is in heaven now too right?
Yes.
Do you think that Baby Ella and Papa are together in heaven?
Yes, Delainey I do think that Papa and Baby Ella are together in heaven...
Did Heaven take baby Ella and Papa??
No Delainey, Heaven didn't take them. Remember they were both really sick and the medicine couldn't make them better anymore, so God decided to let them come live in Heaven with him, so they would be all better and could watch over us all, rather than be sick here on earth.
Oh... Ok.
**this is where I thought the conversation had ended, but it was far from over**
Later that night after bedtime was well under way and everyone was asleep, Delainey screamed out in her sleep. Rushing into her room I found her standing at the side of her bed with her "Angels" (a two piece picture frame with Ella and Papa's pictures in it) in her hand wide awake.
Delainey honey... whats wrong?
I'm mad at Heaven.
Why?
Because heaven gets my Baby Ella and my Papa. I want them back....
Honey I know we all want Baby Ella and Papa back, but they have to stay in Heaven with God, and be our angels remember. They will always be with us in our hearts and in our memories, but they can't come back to us. We just have to remember them...and know that they love us in Heaven.
Can we go to heaven and visit them?
We will all get to go to heaven some day, but right now we have to stay on earth. We each have things we have to do on earth before we can go to heaven...and once we do them then God will let us go to Heaven with him. And when we get there we will see Baby Ella and Papa and all the rest of our family...
What did Ella have to do before she could go to heaven?
*this was a hard one*
She brought many people together. She showed us all how to be strong and how to fight, but she also showed us what love is. She showed us how much you could love.
Oh.. ok
What was Papa's job.
He has the same jobs as Baby Ella sweetie.
How come Ella's job was done faster?
I think maybe Ella was just faster at her job what do you think?
Well Ella is a girl Mommy...girls can do things faster than boys.
*insert my small chuckle here*
Will they forget about us in heaven?
No, sweetie. Baby Ella and Papa will never forget about us while they are in heaven, just like we won't ever forget about them.
Oh...ok. Can I sleep in your bed ?
Yes, but only for tonight.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
In honor of my grandfather
* wrote the following poem/story/speech over the past week in different parts and read it at my grandfather's memorial service/rosary on Thursday evening.*
By Kristin Wentz-Krumwiede
in honor of her grandfather, Wendelin Andrew Wentz 8/9/37-6/30/09
I wrote this early last Saturday morning…
Today I am selfish…
Today (well it is actually yesterday now) was not a good day for me or my entire family. We learned that my grandfather’s cancer has spread and were now terminal, we also learned that we didn’t know how much time he had left. I can’t even begin to put into words what is going on in my head and heart right now…and I can always find something to say.
I want for him to have peace… I want for him to not be in pain any longer… but I am also selfish.
I want my Papa. I want for my children to continue to be able to build that special bond they have with their great-grandfather…
I want for Brody to continue to be able to run into my grandparents’ house yelling “Pa pa pa” and know that Brody’s Papa is going to be in that stupid blue recliner. I want to be able to tell Shelby that “Yes, Papa’s medicine made him all better”… I want for Delainey to not have to ‘pretend’ to be ok, when she is scared beyond belief… I want for Avery to not be afraid to give her Papa a kiss because of the scary mask that is on his face.
I want to be able to hug my grandfather without all the tubes and wires. I am selfish. I want to continue to feel the hugs that only my grandfather can give that make the whole world go away, and tell you that he loves you so very very much. I want for my grandmother to not have to make the choices that she will soon have to make. I want for my mom, aunts, uncles, and cousins to not feel the sense of loss that we all know are coming.
Right now I am selfish…later when I wake up, (if I can ever get to sleep) I will wake up and not be selfish… I will put on a brave face and continue to tell everyone that “I am ok”…but for right now I am so very selfish.
But I have figured out a lot since I wrote that this past Saturday…
I will forever miss the greatest man that I will ever know… but I will take comfort in the fact that we were able to spend the most amazing 4 days together as a family. We were able to make memories that will last us all a lifetime, even in the small space of a hospital room. We cried together, we laughed together. We were able to tell him the things that we needed for him to hear, and he was able to tell us what he wanted to say to us. We were there for each other. It was upon seeing this that I realized that while my grandfather isn’t here on earth with me or the rest of us, his legacy will in fact live on through us. I now understand just why my grandfather’s eyes sparkled when he would talk about any of his family… we his family is his greatest accomplishment. He taught us all to come together when times are hard, he taught us that our family will always be here for us…and most of all he taught us how to love each other unconditionally…
We will all heal and move on from our grief eventually… we will adapt to a life with grandpa as our angel in heaven rather than our angel on earth. For example… I learned the other day that my cousin Kenny gives the exact same hugs that my grandfather gave… or how even though my cousin Josh is only 14 years old…he is wise beyond his years and often says things that could easily be from grandpa’s mouth when it comes to his amazing faith… the similarities of our family to the man who helped to form us all are just to many to list. I see my grandfather in the eyes of each of his sons and how they parent their children… I see my grandfather in my mom and in my aunt in many ways… it is amazing to see this now when I never noticed it before.
It is ok for us to be selfish… it is ok for us to be sad… it is ok for us to be angry… but I know that grandpa is not sad or angry where he is… he is enjoying the life everlasting that he has told us about our entire lives… I take solace in knowing that he is watching over me, my children, my mom, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins, and most importantly I know that he is watching over my grandmother. I know that he is with his family in heaven waiting for us just as they waited for him.
And it is because of this knowledge that I am no longer selfish… I am thankful. I am thankful to have had 28 ½ amazing years with this man in my life on earth and I am thankful that because of him and what he has taught me and the rest of our family that we will have eternity with him when we too are called home.
By Kristin Wentz-Krumwiede
in honor of her grandfather, Wendelin Andrew Wentz 8/9/37-6/30/09
I wrote this early last Saturday morning…
Today I am selfish…
Today (well it is actually yesterday now) was not a good day for me or my entire family. We learned that my grandfather’s cancer has spread and were now terminal, we also learned that we didn’t know how much time he had left. I can’t even begin to put into words what is going on in my head and heart right now…and I can always find something to say.
I want for him to have peace… I want for him to not be in pain any longer… but I am also selfish.
I want my Papa. I want for my children to continue to be able to build that special bond they have with their great-grandfather…
I want for Brody to continue to be able to run into my grandparents’ house yelling “Pa pa pa” and know that Brody’s Papa is going to be in that stupid blue recliner. I want to be able to tell Shelby that “Yes, Papa’s medicine made him all better”… I want for Delainey to not have to ‘pretend’ to be ok, when she is scared beyond belief… I want for Avery to not be afraid to give her Papa a kiss because of the scary mask that is on his face.
I want to be able to hug my grandfather without all the tubes and wires. I am selfish. I want to continue to feel the hugs that only my grandfather can give that make the whole world go away, and tell you that he loves you so very very much. I want for my grandmother to not have to make the choices that she will soon have to make. I want for my mom, aunts, uncles, and cousins to not feel the sense of loss that we all know are coming.
Right now I am selfish…later when I wake up, (if I can ever get to sleep) I will wake up and not be selfish… I will put on a brave face and continue to tell everyone that “I am ok”…but for right now I am so very selfish.
But I have figured out a lot since I wrote that this past Saturday…
I will forever miss the greatest man that I will ever know… but I will take comfort in the fact that we were able to spend the most amazing 4 days together as a family. We were able to make memories that will last us all a lifetime, even in the small space of a hospital room. We cried together, we laughed together. We were able to tell him the things that we needed for him to hear, and he was able to tell us what he wanted to say to us. We were there for each other. It was upon seeing this that I realized that while my grandfather isn’t here on earth with me or the rest of us, his legacy will in fact live on through us. I now understand just why my grandfather’s eyes sparkled when he would talk about any of his family… we his family is his greatest accomplishment. He taught us all to come together when times are hard, he taught us that our family will always be here for us…and most of all he taught us how to love each other unconditionally…
We will all heal and move on from our grief eventually… we will adapt to a life with grandpa as our angel in heaven rather than our angel on earth. For example… I learned the other day that my cousin Kenny gives the exact same hugs that my grandfather gave… or how even though my cousin Josh is only 14 years old…he is wise beyond his years and often says things that could easily be from grandpa’s mouth when it comes to his amazing faith… the similarities of our family to the man who helped to form us all are just to many to list. I see my grandfather in the eyes of each of his sons and how they parent their children… I see my grandfather in my mom and in my aunt in many ways… it is amazing to see this now when I never noticed it before.
It is ok for us to be selfish… it is ok for us to be sad… it is ok for us to be angry… but I know that grandpa is not sad or angry where he is… he is enjoying the life everlasting that he has told us about our entire lives… I take solace in knowing that he is watching over me, my children, my mom, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins, and most importantly I know that he is watching over my grandmother. I know that he is with his family in heaven waiting for us just as they waited for him.
And it is because of this knowledge that I am no longer selfish… I am thankful. I am thankful to have had 28 ½ amazing years with this man in my life on earth and I am thankful that because of him and what he has taught me and the rest of our family that we will have eternity with him when we too are called home.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The greatest man we every knew...
Wendell (Wendelin) A. Wentz, 71, Bismarck, died June 30, 2009, in a Bismarck hospital. Mass of Christian Burial will be held at 11 a.m. Friday, July 3, at Church of St. Anne, Bismarck, with the Rev. Ed Wehner officiating.
Burial will be in St. Mary's Cemetery.
Visitation will be held from 4 to 9 p.m. 7/2/09 at Bismarck Funeral Home with a vigil/rosary at 7 p.m. Visitation will continue one hour prior to the service at the church.
Wendell was born Aug. 9, 1937, in Rugby, to John and Veronica (Busch) Wentz. He married Elizabeth (Betty) Kuntz on June 21, 1958, in Devils Lake and together, they had six children. Wendell served as a police officer and correction officer, retiring as a Lieutenant from the N.D. State Penitentiary.
He is survived by his loving wife of 51 years, Betty, Bismarck; two daughters, Laurie Wentz and Janet Wentz, both of Bismarck; four sons, Kevin (Pamela) Wentz, Wendell (Carlyn) Wentz, Daniel (Shawna) Wentz and Robert (Susan) Wentz, all of Bismarck; two brothers, Donald (Vange) Wentz, Bismarck, and Dennis (Rosie) Wentz, Crary; one sister, Margorie Don) Olson, Balta; 18 grandchildren; and 13 great-grandchildren.
He was preceded in death by his parents, John and Veronica; two sisters, Loretta (Peter) Schumacher and Marie Wentz; three brothers, Leonard (Glenda) Wentz, Larry (Lucille) Wentz and Kenneth Wentz.Go to www.bismarckfuneralhome.com to sign the online guest book or to share memories with the family.
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