A Tale of Two Mothers

This story was posted about on a blog that I follow and I want for others to understand what it is like...while Shelby is not autistic...she does have the sensory processing issues that can lead to the same looks, stares and NASTY comments when we are out in public... so please... take the time to read a tale of two mothers...

A Tale of Two Mothers
By Lisa Belkin
Mary P. Jones is the mother of two children, one of whom has been diagnosed with autism. She writes about helping her boy navigate through his challenges on her blog, A Room of Mama’s Own, and she does so anonymously (Mary Jones is her pseudonym) to protect her son (and the rest of her family, as you will see if you visit her blog.) Her goal is to shield the boy from prying eyes, not subject him to them. Because, as she writes in today’s guest blog, Mary knows a lot more than she would like about the stares of strangers.
A TALE OF TWO MOTHERSBy MARY P. JONES
I.
A mother and her son are in line at a grocery store. They boy looks like he’s about nine or ten. The mother looks a little tense as the boy starts to fidget in line. At this age he really should be able to stand still. And watch where he’s going. He almost bumped the person behind him. His mother does nothing.
“When are we going?” he asks.
“In about two minutes. We’re almost done, buddy,” she says.
“No, not about. Zero minutes! I want to go now. Right now! Right! Now!” he says and stomps his foot.
Again, his mother does nothing to make him stop his rude behavior.
Fortunately, the cashier has finished ringing up the groceries and now the boy starts hopping up and down in place as the mother reaches into her purse for her credit card. He practically snatches the card from her and then after he swipes it, he starts shouting at her, “No! No! You do it my way!” She leans down and whispers something to him and he stops yelling, but he still hops up and down again, glaring at her and pulling on her and making those grunting noises rude teenagers do when they’re disgusted with you. No doubt she’s told him she’ll give him the candy she bought if he keeps quiet: rewarding and reinforcing his unacceptable behavior as bad parents do.
The cashier hands her the receipt and says, “Thank you, Mrs. Jones,” and the boy screams at the cashier as they leave, “No! You’re terrible!” The mother leaves without a word as the next customer in line rolls her eyes sympathetically at the cashier.
II.
Today, I’m going to take my son Austen to the grocery store with me. It’s school break, and we need milk, the only thing Austen drinks.
Austen is autistic, which can make these trips hard for him. As a result, I schedule the bulk of my grocery shopping for times when he is in school or being cared for by someone else. However, sometimes I plan short trips like this one to help him get used to grocery stores (a skill he’ll need if he is going to live independently) or, like today, because we need some essential item at a time when I have no childcare options for him. When he does come along I make every effort to keep the visits to what we can both handle, so that they remain a positive experience for him.
To prepare for the trip, I’ve made sure that he is well fed, and I’ve arranged for his sister to play at her friend’s house so that I can focus on him. Since he thrives on routine and predictability, on sameness and scripts, I’ve reviewed what is going to happen when we’re in the store, so he knows what to expect. I’m also keeping the visit short; we’re going to get only what we need and then leave.
As part of his autism, Austen has sensory integration issues, which means that the way that his brain processes the information from his senses can turn a whisper into a scream or a tickle into a burn. Because of this, so much that goes unnoticed by others on these outings is painful to him: the store’s softly flickering fluorescent lights can look like a strobe and the incessant piped in music can sound like a rock concert, the aisles can seem breathlessly crowded with people, and the sight and smell of all these different foods can be nauseating; his own diet is self-limited to just a handful of items.
In spite of this, he does really well as we walk through the store. He stays close to me and doesn’t run off. He even talks about some of the items he sees on the shelves and points out some candy that he knows his sister likes, so we add it to the cart to bring home to her as a treat. He wouldn’t eat the candy himself even you bribed him with an XBox, so it’s wonderful that he thought of her. In fact, there are some who posit that autistics have no “theory of mind” at all — that they are incapable of realizing that others think differently. For Austen, it seems to be difficult, but not impossible, to see things from someone else’s point of view, and I celebrate it when he does.
As we pass through the produce section on our way out, a clerk says ‘hi’ and asks a question about the cartoon character on Austen’s t-shirt; they have a brief, polite conversation, although Austen has to pause a bit to gather his thoughts between sentences. At age two, Austen was not speaking at all and doctors first began to tell us that it was possible he was autistic. It took intensive speech therapy in his preschool years and the work of several loving and dedicated special education teachers to get him to the point where he can have this conversation today. Austen is tall for his age and the clerk is surprised to learn he’s only seven.
He’s handling this whole trip really well. All the work we’ve been doing to help him get comfortable is paying off. “You’re doing such an awesome job of helping me today, buddy,” I say.
All we have left to do is pay, but I get tense when I see there’s just one register open and the cashier is engaged in a complicated transaction ahead of us. We do the best we can, but even after a short, positive visit, waiting in line is hard. I think (hope) we can make it through the line without a meltdown. If we leave now, we’ll have to come back again later to get what we came for and the second trip is unlikely to go this well. After a little while, Austen starts circling me, which is what he does when he’s tired and anxious. He’s not hurting anyone by doing it, and he’s keeping himself calm. So, I breathe and hope the line moves quickly, since I can tell he’s used up almost all of his resources to make it this far. If we were finishing up and walking to the car now, as I had expected, the trip would have been perfect for everyone. I try to remind myself that sometimes, in spite of all my best planning, life happens.
At last he rolls his head back and sighs, “When are we going?”
“In about two minutes. We’re almost done, buddy,” I say. Oops, I’m tired and anxious too now, and I slip. This is the wrong time to say “about.” That’s a trigger word. Austen craves precision. We can work on estimates and inexactness like this at home, but the grocery store is the wrong place for it: just as running across a busy freeway would be the wrong time to stop and work on tying your shoe.
He also — as is the case in so much of the obsessive compulsive behavior that is common with autism — reacts to anxiety by becoming even more rigid and insistent on rules and routine in order to quell his rising panic. The more chaotic and unstable he feels his world becoming, the more he clings to the solidity and familiarity of the rules he’s created to soothe himself. That means the very public situations in which he’s expected to be most flexible are the very situations in which he most desperately wants the world to conform to his rules. Predictably, he protests my vagueness.
“No, not ‘about.’ Zero minutes! I want to go now. Right now! Right! Now!” he says and stomps his foot. Damn, he’s really had more than he can handle already. I didn’t think we’d have to wait so long in line. He’s been working so hard to make it this far, and I know he’ll feel better once he’s back in the quiet, familiar car away from the people and the lights and a whole store full of nauseating, offensive foods.
Fortunately, we’re at the front of the line by now and the cashier rings up our groceries quickly. Obsessive interests are another hallmark of autism, and a longstanding passion for numbers is one of Austen’s. He loves to work the ATM/credit machine, so his participation in this process is a way to end trips on a positive note. After some practice, we’ve gotten pretty smooth with it. He likes to push in the PIN numbers, and has finally reached a point where he no longer feels compelled to say my PIN out loud as he types it. We only run into problems when we have to use the card as credit, because he doesn’t like to see my signature. It’s incomprehensible and extremely upsetting to him that the bank wants me to scribble instead of printing my name in block letters like at school. Everything goes well at first, he takes the card eagerly, swipes it just right and gets ready to enter the PIN, but the cashier makes an error and we have to reprocess the transaction as credit.
Austen, overwhelmed by the wait, anxious that things aren’t going as planned and distraught at the thought that I’m going to have to sign rather than punch in a PIN, starts shouting, “No! No! You do it my way!” I lean down and remind him that when he gets upset in these situations, he’s supposed to signal me and let out his anxiety by squeezing my hand really hard instead of yelling. So, he hops up and down again, frowning and grunting slightly with the effort of squeezing my hand tightly.
At last, we’re almost finished. The cashier hands me the receipt and says, “Thank you, Mrs. Jones,” and I do my best to rush us out. Austen, exhausted and triggered by the formal use of my last name (“only teachers are called Mrs. and you’re not a teacher”) is practically in tears as we move toward the door. Unable to soothe himself with the hand squeezing any longer, he screams at the cashier as we walk away, “No! You’re terrible!” I smile weakly and shrug an apology from near the door.
All in all, it was a very successful trip, and once we’re clear of the store, I say, “I know that was really hard, but we’re all done now. You did great this time, buddy, even better than last time. High five!”

Change of pace...

Instead of having a Not me Monday... I am going to have a "I am thankful Monday"....

• I am thankful that the flooding in my area seems to have subsided for now...we do still have the risks because of the current blizzard (16+ inches of snow and snow that has NOT STOPPED for over 28 hours), but we are safe, warm and dry... who could ask for more
• I am thankful that our "niece" (technically Chad's cousin's daughter, but isn't it just easier to say niece) is doing AMAZING for being a 24 week preemie...Princess Ella Jo is being a very 'boring' resident at the U of M Children's Hospital-Riverside...HEY boring is AWESOME in the NICU
• I am thankful for my wonderful children...even on days like today when I felt that I was the only one who could hear my own voice bouncing off the walls, I am thankful that I have these amazing little miracles who call me Mom... I am so completely blessed
• I am thankful that with the economy the way that it is that my husband has a job, we have food on the table and even a bit extra for some fun things...
• I am thankful for my amazing support group of friends, family and wonderful blog readers who offer such awesome support and friendship.
• I am thankful that my grandfather's treatments seem to be working and his throat cancer is being healed.

Honestly...there is so much more that I am thankful for, but I certainly do not want to sound like I am boasting...

I also have some prayer requests:

• Baby Stellan http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ has been in the hospital for going on 10 days with some heart issues... please pray for his family
• The entire Riggs Family http://www.riggsfamilyblog.com/, their is so much on this wonderful family's plate but yet their faith in God and their strenght in their family unit never falters...
• Continues prayers for our 'niece' and her parents during this journey of life in the NICU and beyond...
• Prayers for those who have been effected by the flooding and horrible weather conditions in North Dakota and Upper Mid-West...
• Praise for all the amazing people who stepped up and showed what it meant to be a true North Dakotan and helped so many people during our flooding crisis.
• prayers for my grandfather who is battling throat cancer...his blood levels have not yet returned to a safe level so he can continue with his treatments.
• Prayers for all our service men and women who put their lives on the line every day so that we may sleep fitfully in our beds each night...
• and last but not least...some unspoken prayers for others...

Please remember to be thankful for what you have...we are so lucky without even realizing it

MAJOR PRAYER REQUESTS:

I have several prayer requests right now:

First and foremost, our cousin Ryan and his wife delivered their daughter last night. Baby Ella Jo was born weighing 1 lbs 3 ozs at roughly 24 weeks gestation. Please add this family to your prayers... from what we told Baby Ella is holding her own for now. Please pray for a quick recovery from the surgery for Taryn. This is not going to be an easy road for them, but with God's grace and lots of prayers it should make it a bit easier.

Secondly, the Bismarck area is suffering greatly from flooding. My aunt, cousin and uncle and his entire family have been evacuted from their homes (all in different parts of the south side of Bismarck). We have spent the better part of the morning moving belongings and helping in any way that we can.

Heavenly Father-
With you grace and strength please surround us in our struggles and give us hope. Keep baby Ella, Ryan and Taryn in your arms during this journey for them. Please help the residents of our area to be able to stay strong and put their trust in you.
Amen...

The Flood of 2009

This picture was taken off the patio of a river front bar. If you look towards the back of the picture you will see the Expressway bridge ...you can also see the water line mear feet from the bottom of the bridge. This water has not been this high in YEARS...

I feel horrible for the people in our area who have been evacuated from their homes and we went and helped fill sandbags and such, but at this point there really isn't much we can do but pray.

Part of me can't help but think that this is God's wake up call for us all... alot of these homes were built on the previous riverbed of the Missouri River here in Bismarck, but because of the budding building in the area they have held water back for years so that they could build on the property....

I pray for these families and I mourn their losses with them... please say a little prayer for everyone.

Only...

in North Dakota will you have a MAJOR thunderstorm and a blizzard in the same day...

Please pray for several families in my area. We are having some serious water issues with the record snowfalls and now the melting and more snow again. Several homes in our town are already suffering major damage and there is more to come.

I really think that this is going to be worse than the flood of 1997.... So many families need prayers right now.

Twilight the Movie...

It was released this morning... of course I had to purchase it. I am currently loading the digital version that came with my DVD to my iTunes...maybe getting to hear/watch the movie while I exercise will get my butt in gear... Or at least encourage me to walk for the 122 minutes of the movie...

We will be having a Twilight Movie night at my house on Tuesday for my MNO for MOMS club...it should be fun :)

HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY

HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY TO EVERYONE!!!
please drink responsibly...

What a weekend...

This has been one crazy weekend at the Krumwiede household…. And I am glad to say that it is OVER! The oldest of my children (meaning the other adults) will go back to work tomorrow and while Delainey is on spring break and therefore will not go back to school until Tuesday, I am still looking forward to tomorrow.

Chad took Friday off so that he could participate in the State Dart Tournament which was being held in town… He and the rest of the Sports Page team did awesome! They took FIRST PLACE!!! We are so happy for all the Sports Page guys and are so proud of them all… WAY TO GO SPORTS PAGE TEAM!!! Chad of course is kind of bummed that darts are over, but he is hoping to maybe get into some other spring/summer activities so we will see. You can see the picture below for the individual awards that each team member recieved, but if you want to look at the BIG TROPHY, then you have to go and check it out at Sports Page on south 12th.

Potty training is still going AWESOME! Avery even woke up from bed last night (9+ hours) dry… I told her she has to wake up dry for a whole week before she can wear panties to bed, so we shall see. We also even ventured out with panties on and I am proud to say that we came home dry GOOD JOB GIRLS!!! We are so proud of you!!!

Delainey had her first sleep over birthday party this weekend. She has spent the night at my aunt’s house in the past, but never at a friend’s (although it was actually my cousin’s daughter’s birthday party). She had a really good time, but she was certainly tired today when she came home.

We had cake tonight for my mom’s birthday… man she is getting old … well not really, but with THIS birthday out of the way, I can start making plans for the ‘big one’ next year…trust me… I may not be talented in many things, but I can certainly throw a damn good party!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM…We love you!

Brody is walking more and more. He is even able to stop walking, crouch down pick up a toy and then stand back up and go back to walking...well as long as his "shelbs' (that is the ONLY name he can say) leaves him alone long enough... He can say other words, but it is just too cute to see the two of them (Brody and Shelby) playing together... they really are buds...

And last but not least, it is also my spring break from college…. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am looking forward to the small break, although honestly I will be just as busy as normal…just missing one small item.

Here's to an awesome week for everyone!!!

Potty Training Day Two

We (meaning Shelby and Avery of course) were completely dry all day long and were in panties ALL DAY!! Avery and Shelby each pooped on the potty as well...

SUCCESS in my book!!!

Kiss me I'm Shrinking Week 2

1. I am down .8 this week. Not much, but it is still enough to be able to call it a loss and not a gain. My goals this week are as follows:

• Follow the Weight Watchers Plans
  Drink my water
• journal all my food
• exercise 3x's this week

North Dakota Weather Forecast

A friend sent me this picture today. It shows the TRUE ND forecast lately :)

Potty Training times two

Apparently my two three year olds think today is the day to start potty training....

I came upstairs from switching a load of laundry over to find Delainey helping them put on the panties that they had gotten for Christmas, rather than yell about it as I have in the past, I figured I go with it.

So far we still have dry panties (Shelby did pee in a Pull-Up during rest time) but so far so good....

Now I have to keep it up... BUMMER ;) Guess we are going back to the BIG diaper bag again (so I have space for clean panties and dry pants).... Wish us luck!

I have always taken to the "I'd rather change diapers then clean up poop and pee" but apparently my 3 year olds have a 'better' idea...

I went for it...

As of this morning, I have officially applied for the position as Life Enrichment/Activities Director at a local retirement community. I am of course nervous that I don't have enough education and that those who look at the resumes will laugh in my face, but what can I say...it must say something considering that I actually took the time to get everything together to at least send it in.

Honestly, ever since starting my internship there I have really felt 'called' to continue to work in that enviroment... Here's hoping right.

Not Me Monday...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I most certainly did not tell my husband that his co-workers wife was not going to be able to attend the party that I had at my house on Saturday, because I knew that if he knew she wasn’t coming he wouldn’t clean the living room while I was at my internship.

I most certainly have not been thinking about applying for a position at the place that I have been interning at. You see the person who has been my supervisor has put in her resignation and I thought for certain that I wouldn’t be quailified for the position, but when I saw the ad placed in the paper this past Sunday, I noticed that no education requirements were listed, just experience in the position—which I have got at that facility. What I am NOT sure of (for real) is if I am ready to leave my babies in the care of someone else… I really need some help with my resume though… I don’t have one at all…whoops!

I most certainly did not get $120 in free books from the party that I hosted this past weekend. If you are interested in NOT earning free books for your kids then don’t visit my friend’s website www.usbornebooksfromnancy.com or email her at nancydyk@gmail.com to set up a show with her.

I most certainly did not apply to be a big sister for MOMS Club International. I also did not have a wonderful conversation with one of the recruiters and I certainly was NOT excited when she said that she would pass along my information to the regional person in my area.

Who in their right mind would use ALL 35 of their weekly extra points when doing weight watchers just so she could have an evening out with her friends at a certain restaurant/bar and enjoy dinner, dessert and 3 drinks… most certainly NOT ME

And lastly I most certainly did not consider driving to my husband's work this morning and taking a serious mental health day....heck... I think I'd need a month!!!

Wow!!

Wow…for the first time in 13 years I didn’t realize that yesterday was March 7. You see March 7th, 1996 was the day that I was diagnosed with AML, a form a leukemia. For the first time in 13 years I was too busy to think about the day…but today 13 years and 1 day later it hit me… I am alive. I have 4 beautiful children that I was told I would never have, I have a husband who loves me (most days anyways), and a life that I am pretty damn proud of. So for I am going to give myself a big old pat on the back and say… TAKE THAT CANCER!!!! I totally kicked your ass!

What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited....
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
Author Unknown

WEEK ONE UPDATE!!!

WOOHOO!!!! When I went to Weight Watchers this evening the scale said 253.2 which puts me at a much better loss! I have decided that I am sticking with the WW scale since apparently my home scale is fairly off, which a friend of mine pointed out yesterday too. So instead of having loss of 1.7, I now have a loss of 3.7 WOOHOO!!!! YEA ME!!!

Kiss Me I'm Shringing-- Week One weigh in

Down 1.7. Not bad for the first week right? I really think it is more, so I will definately be comparing with my WW scale weight later today...although the WW scale had me a 256.4 instead of the 252.9 that my home scale had. So you will get another update later on weight loss..look for the update on this post. Here are my goals for this week.

Keep up with journaling and watching points etc

drink plenty of water

exercise

Break on Through to the Other Side

Melissa HERE has given a small challenge to get us all out of our seasonal funk *must be a North Dakota, stuck inside kind of thing*, so here is the challenge. She has given us 10 random questions to answer and then we report back to her... Here goes! My answers are in RED
1. I am a book whore - What's your favorite book? Hands down The Sookie Stackhouse Series
2. Where is your favorite place you have ever LIVED? I would have to say definately the Twin Cities...I miss so much from there....
3. What was your favorite cartoon as a child? Rainbow Bright
4. Are you going to BlogHer '09?What is this?!?!
5. How often do you dust?once a week or so...
6. Do you ski or snowboard? I tried it once... hit a tree... don't plan on trying again
7. What happened to roller skating rinks? People got to 'cool' for them and now we WANT THEM BACK!!!
8. Thunderstorms... love 'em or hate 'em? I love them...but I hate the lightening
9. Favorite brand of jeans? whatever ones fit my fat ass at the time
10. Do you paint your nails? not near as much as I should.... I need some 'me' time

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Here are my Not Me Mondays.... not in any particular order:

• I most certainly did not eat nothing but junk last Tuesday KNOWING that on Wednesday I was going to be joining weight watchers…
  
• I most certainly did not ‘wish’ that my child was a little more bothered by having her tonsils and adenoids removed and been a little bit more ‘calm’…but NOTTTTTTTTTTTTT this child… rip raring ready to on the very next day!!! Only MY child would defy the odds….
  
• I most certainly did not dump an entire basket of CLEAN JUST FOLDED towels onto the bathroom floor when my twins flooded the bathroom for the SECOND time in one day by plugging the sink and then leaving the water run….
  
• I most certainly DID NOT purposely make eye contact with my SPD child when she ran head first into a wall (while drugged up post surgery) because I knew if I looked at her she would cry and if she didn’t know that I ‘knew’ she would just move on….
  
• I most certainly have not weighed myself every single day since seeing that I now (as of Wednesday) weight the most I have in my entire life....thankfully the numbers are dropping
  
• I most certainly did not hand wash JUST MY OWN dishes to get the point across to the other adults in my house that I am not the ONLY one who knows where the dishwasher is…
  
• I most certainly did not buy THREE new purses in one day--hey I had a purse party and got an awesome discount...

And that my friends is it for this weeks installment of Not Me Monday...

Prayer Request....

Hey there folks! I have a prayer request right now:

For our cousins Ryan and Taryn. Taryn is currently 20 weeks pregnant with their first child. Taryn learned this week that she has an incompetent cervix, she has since been placed on STRICT bed rest...and will remain for quite some time. Thankfully she is able to be at home in her own enviroment at this time, but as the Krumwiedes know far to well, situations like this can change at a moments notice. Ryan of course is running around crazy trying to take care of his wife and baby, but from what Taryn says...HE IS DOING A ROCKSTAR job.

So any and all prayers would be greatly appreciated for Ryan, Taryn and their precious baby.