Grief...

I am trying to work through my grief…it isn’t going well.
You often hear about the “5 Stages of Grief” and being a psychology major I am very aware of the theory that was created by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The 5 stages include:

• Denial (this isn’t happening to me)
• Anger (why is this happening to me)
• Bargaining (I promise I’ll be better if)
• Depression (I don’t care anymore)
• Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

Well frankly none of those really fit be except for the anger part, and even that doesn’t really fit because I am not angry that my grandfather died… do I wish I had more time with him? Most certainly but I am not mad that he died… but I am mad.

Looking at different sites to help me through all of the thoughts etc, I happened upon a website, that talks about Dr. Roberta Temes book “Living With an Empty Arm Chair—a guide through grief” and her stages of grief seem to work a bit better for me and they are:

• Numbness (mechanical functioning and social isolation)
• Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)
• Reorganization (re-entry into a more ‘normal’ social life)

I am not the same person I was when I wrote THIS post at the beginning of the month. I thought that I was ok with everything. I thought that I was at peace with my grandfather being gone… but I am not. I am numb. I am numb in a world full of emotion, emotions that I cannot be part of right now. I have been distancing myself from friends, and family. I feel empty even though I have a world of people around me who love me and who are going through the same things that I am.

I am so angry… I am so lost… I am selfish… I am scared...I am heartbroken… I am in pain.

I have amazing friends who are surrounding me at this time, and all I do is push them away, because I can’t stand for them to see me in anyway other than the me I want to be. Plus I think a big part of it is that I am afraid that once I start talking about all the feelings and emotions that I have “stuffed” (my friend’s term not mine) that I am not going to be able to stop. This friend asked earlier today if I was ‘stuffing’ and my response “I am so stuffing that I almost have a king sized comforter for my bed”… and it is so true… if only I could just let it all go and flow… I know that it will feel better once it is out and in the open, but I also know that it is going to hurt and bad to get it out there...and that is where the scared comes into play...